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| Sunday, September 11th, 2005 | | 8:36 pm |
"Fresh" Entry
Ah, a new school year. There’s nothing like the smell of fresh-cut “grass on the field,” if you catch my drift. In fact, I met a couple of “freshmen” girls last week who gave me the typical “Ooooh Caleb you’re the big man on campus. Please show us around and introduce us to other people like you.” Oh please, like I’m going to fall for Track #3 from the best-selling “Girls’ Greatest Hits Album,” of which the chorus sings “As our parents fade, we want to get laid. When we need a man, we don’t moan, we call Malone!” While I have everybody’s attention, let me just clear something up: I like blondes. Period. And the “carpet” must match the “drapes.” Unless there is no carpet... In a related story, the Dallas Mavericks signed Doug Christie. For those of you who don’t know anything about sports (girls out there), Doug Christie is known for being “whipped.” He makes secret signals to his wife during the game. During bachelor parties, groomsmen give a “Doug Christie” jersey to the groom-to-be to symbolize the end to their life. This is such a ridiculous acquisition for the Mavericks. Which white, worn-out, whipped basketball player will the Mavs sign next? Trent Roberts? Apparently the Rec Center has a new policy: no sleeveless t-shirts or wife beaters allowed. I don’t understand if this is supposed to keep the free-loaders from not paying to see the “Caleb Malone Gun Show” or to try to reduce domestic violence by not allowing “wife beaters,” but this is totally discrimination and a personal attack against me on both counts. And I will not stand for it! Help me, fellow TECHsans, and boycott the rec center. Except for girls, because girls need to work out. I’ve been meaning to post this on a “missing persons” website, but I have a good friend who attends Tulane and I haven’t heard from him. Has anyone seen an ugly fellow in camo with a red neck, possibly having sex with “Messy Jessie,” or making fun of someone for “shooting the splooge?” You WON’T find him at the dentist, library, or anywhere else you might find mature people. On a more serious note, pray for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. And donate if you can. Until next time ladies... | | Saturday, July 23rd, 2005 | | 12:22 pm |
Sweet memories
Post a memory of me - good, bad, neutral. I'm just curious to see what everyone thinks of me and remembers about me. | | Sunday, February 13th, 2005 | | 3:32 pm |
Get out your umbrellas ladies, Pimp Daddy from Cincinnati just had a brain storm. Caleb Joshua Malone is officially issuing a decree stating that we are accepting applications for a “New King.” Adam, we love you, but none of us even know if you’re still alive, singing somewhere, having your dog lick pizza sauce off your junk, and/or sporting an eyebrow ring. Qualifications to apply: You must not be featured on any X-Rated videos (which disqualifies Janie “Girl Gone Wild” Richards) You must be good at sports (which disqualifies any graduate of South Garland High School) You must not have the nickname “Happy Hips Hargrove” (it’s self-explanatory who this disqualifies) You must not have a girlfriend who has your “dice in a vice” (sorry Lee Finkbeiner) You must not, at any point in your life, have made out with Oana Borcomon in your white, 2004 Ford Mustang (you’re out of luck, Crash Arthur) You must have at least 51% “real face” and not birthmark (maybe AFTER your surgery, J. Pat) And finally, you must not have chosen your lunch table based on the fact that it sits below a picture of a #24, white, non-teeth-brushing basketball player, whom you will forever be obsessed with (Mik-whale Dawson) I realize that 90% of my readers are foxy females, but I am offering a $500 reward for Mark Bailey’s head. Mark Bailey’s beloved step-daughter Ashley is Mr. Clay Kimrey’s ex-girlfriend. While perusing the aisles of Blockbuster, Mr. Bailey could not restrain himself from striking young, innocent, Clay “I banged Mark’s daughter” Kimrey. Immediately after mauling Clay, Mr. Bailey fled around the corner like a little girl. Mark I know your job is a tennis pro and it must be depressing knowing your wife and daughter can both beat you, but there’s no need to take out your anger on someone who can’t even ride a bike. I’d like to shout out to my personal friend Randy Johnson, who was recently traded to the New York Yankees. Besides the fact that he and I are both pitchers, we also have something else in common: the nickname “Big Unit.” One last note: if any guys at Tech are free during the afternoons and want to come with me to “tutor” the saucy seniors at the local high schools, contact my secretary. This is one rock we can’t afford not to turn over, if you catch my drift. Some of you might say, “But Caleb, you have a girl, do you really need more?” to which I reply, “That’s like asking a barber if you need a haircut.” On a closing note, it’s getting old to give, give, and give and not get anything in return from my readers. I cry out to yall for help. I am applying for an important scholarship and need adjectives to describe myself. So far, I have “Charismatic, Charming, Well-hung, and Classy.” Leave me some comments with other adjectives that you believe describe Caleb Joshua Malone. Well ladies, it’s been real, it’s been fun, it’s been real fun; however, I have to go watch my highlight films from when I won the ESPN Spelling Bee. Until next time… | | Tuesday, November 16th, 2004 | | 2:59 pm |
It's been a while
Let me commence by welcoming the newest members to the Official Caleb Joshua Malone Fan Club. Because the club has expanded, let me explain a little about myself and the livejournal quest you girls are about to embark on. On December 3, 1985, THE MYTH BECAME A MAN. And yes, I was a man even as a babe in swaddling clothes. I realize there are other fairly comparable livejournals out there, such as “heykidsitsgayclay” and “ttrttufag,” so I want to thank each and every one of you for your dedication to reading only the finest. My livejournal is filet mignon while their’s are week-old bologna. Sometimes, Clay has a good point. Too bad it’s on the top of his head. Clay doesn’t even know how to ride a bike, much less make an entertaining livejournal entry. By the way Clay, have you figured out yet that the hole in your underwear goes in the front and it isn’t a “poop chute” for the back? And then there’s Trent, who walks around like his crap don’t stink. Hey Trent, I opened a fortune cookie the other day that said, “The one who does not brush teeth will soon experience disaster.” How’s your car doin Tre? Now, the disclaimers. The views expressed in this livejournal do not necessarily reflect the views of Livejournal Incorporated, the Republican party, Texas Tech University, or even Caleb Malone himself. Okay I have to throw my family in there too, due to my Dad threatening to “sue me” for defamation of the family name for what he labels “crude, sick humor.” F you Dad. Speaking of the fam, my little brother is going to start college next semester, so I’ll give him a word of advice. Joel, as a man you are equipped with 2 heads. Whichever one you think with will determine a lot of things in your life. There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and your man juice will want to escape from its denim prison when you meet a girl like the one I met this week. They have a name for broads like this lady: Mrs. Caleb Malone. But remember Joel, even if she makes love like an earthquake, you’ll keep the hoochie away from your love pad if you know what’s good for you. There are two types of girls to stay away from especially, and I have encountered both: the ones who are constantly “on their rag” and the girls who “aren’t one to miss a meal.” Both will leave you feeling “cramped.” Until next time ladies. | | Friday, October 15th, 2004 | | 12:46 pm |
The only entry not about taking dumps
“Behind every good man is a good woman.” Caleb, you’re such an incredible ‘man and a half,’ who is the ‘woman and a half’ behind you? Guys guys, she and I are just friends. Let’s just say this about her, the odds are good, but the goods are odd. And that’s kinda why I’m shying away. Plus, the slut is a walking kissing-booth. She likes the D. I rode her like a triple-crown jockey and then dropped her off in Dumpville, which apparently is turning into “Marriageville.” Right now, Marriageville is more clogged than Dick Cheney’s arteries. It’s kind of like when a baseball team hires Buck Showalter. He manages for a year, gets fired, and then the team wins the World Series the next year. The cycle is 1. date Caleb 2. get dumped 3. get married The only distinction between getting married and winning the World Series is that winning the World Series is a good thing… Other than that hoopla, not too many exciting things have been going on in college. It’s the same as high school in the sense that I’m smarter than everyone in my classes, including the professors, and every girl on campus sweats my gonads. A difference between this year and last is that instead of “coaching” the freshmen at South Garland, our old middle-school football coach, Coach James Smith, is over fighting in Afghanistan on a solo mission. Hey Coach, when you see Christopher Reeves, tell him that the real Superman says hello. One good thing about college is that all the broads are either my age or older, so I don’t have to worry about “15 getting me 20.” I also don’t have to worry about “grass being on the field,” so I can “play ball” anytime I want! Clay Kimrey: congrats on winning state in tennis. It’s not “winning state” like I have, where I have banged/smashed/drilled a girl from each county of Texas, but it’s a nice accomplishment nevertheless. Food for thought: WWJD…for a Klondike bar? Each person who reads this journal either needs to comment asking me 3 tough questions, which I am guaranteed to answer, or fill out the following survey. [1]--> when and how did we meet: [2]--> have you ever seen me with my shirt off: [3]--> have you ever seen me cry: [4]--> describe me in four adjectives: [5]--> if we could spend a day together what would we do: [6]--> have we ever gotten in a fight: [7]--> if you could give me a present what would it be: [8]--> would you hug me: [9]--> what do you really think of me: [10]--> have we ever kissed: [11]--> has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to: [12]--> wanna makeout: [13]--> name one thing you dont like about me: Until next time ladies! | | Saturday, April 24th, 2004 | | 5:25 pm |
3 Questions
Each of you gets 3 questions, but no anonymity. If you're going to ask me if I've ever found you attractive or if I think your Mom is hot, you've gotta nut up and leave your name. | | Friday, February 6th, 2004 | | 3:20 pm |
blat blat blue dat
Ok ladies, you all know I'm too lazy to update this thing so here's what I'm going to do...If enough people do this survey, then I'll start updating again. If you know me, do the survey, if you don't know me, do the survey, if we don't ever talk and you think I'm gonna be weirded out if you do the survey, do the survey. [1]--> when and how did we meet: [2]--> have you ever seen me with my shirt off: [3]--> have you ever seen me cry: [4]--> describe me in four adjectives: [5]--> if we could spend a day together what would we do: [6]--> have we ever gotten in a fight: [7]--> if you could give me a present what would it be: [8]--> would you hug me: [9]--> what do you really think of me: [10]--> have we ever kissed: [11]--> has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to: [12]--> wanna makeout: [13]--> name one thing you dont like about me: | | Thursday, November 20th, 2003 | | 5:09 pm |
Major Feat
Well well well, word on the street is that a major feat has been accomplished this weekend. "Someone" from the Rowlett area has now officially smashed with a girl from each county in the state of Texas. Excuse me for a moment while I rub out the soreness from my shoulder. I tweaked it patting myself on the back. O.K. That's better. Here we go... Let's start off with an excerpt from an article I recently read. "LAS VEGAS (Reuters) - Outraged by a Las Vegas company that claims to offer men a chance to stalk and shoot naked women in the Nevada desert with paintball guns, women's groups and government agencies were scrambling to find a way to shut down such "Bambi" hunts." I think we can all take three things from this article: 1. Women's groups are retarded. 2. I'm going to Vegas next summer for my senior trip. 3. Now we really know what the Redneck Beast Lee Finkbeiner does on his little "deer hunts." Props go out to my best brah (Zoolander reference) for winning "Runner of the Year" in the GISD. Clay you can put this trophy next to the one you got for, "All-City using a girl to go on a trip just so you could get with another girl while you were there 2003!" Congrats! Until next time, good luck and keep a tight line. | | Friday, October 24th, 2003 | | 8:32 pm |
Just presentin' the facts...
So me, my family, and Lindsey are driving down the highway and I turn to Lindsey and she's laughing really hard and turning really red. Caleb: "Linds, what's so funny?" Lindsey: "Nothing, nothing, don't worry about it." She looked really embarassed and would not stop laughing. The next thing I know, my Dad rolled down all the windows in the Expedition because we were all suffocating due to the extreme passed gas. Quotation of the week comes from Scary Movie 3, compliments of EJ Menner, "You know that feeling that you get when you know something bad is going to happen? Like when you see an Asian person behind the wheel of a car." Speaking of Asians, as I'm watching Smallville (more specifically the lovely Lana Lang) the other night I thought, "How can a girl who is part Asian look so dang good?" I guess it's kinda like how Yao Ming is so tall. Or how a girl from South Garland isn't slutty. Today I was thinking about how much I am looking forward to winning the NHS Beauty Pageant. After I win, I'm going to tell all the other contestants to "Dere-licht my balls." Rumor has it that I am running out of material. Fans, I need your help. Please leave comments about anything you need advice about or any problems you have and I'll see what I can do. When I say, I'll see what I can "do" I'm not referring to "seeing" a massive amount of gorgeous girls. Until next time, good luck and keep a tight line. | | Friday, October 10th, 2003 | | 4:13 pm |
Boring entry
I'd like to start off on a serious note. Homecoming is only 3 weeks away and I'm really looking forward to it because I have the greatest date in the world, Lindsey Anne. Now, enough of that crap and back to Sexual White Chocolate's typical column material. Dr. Igo, if you read this, I would like to thank you for letting me go to the bathroom during class the other day. See "The Chili Dump" from the 2/19 entry for details. By the way, I got a new job. I'm babysitting a girl named Jillian and I know some of you might think she's young, but to quote Trent Roberts, "If there's grass on the field, play ball!" And "ball" I shall play... By the way fans, Caleb and Clay were in the newspaper this week: http://www.dallasnews.com/sports/city/garland/stories/100503dngarkimrey.6037e.htmlUntil next time, good luck and keep a tight line. | | Friday, September 26th, 2003 | | 7:31 am |
Out of the loop
Man, I haven't done this in forever. I fear I have lost most of my fanbase and/or my comedic ability. It's been almost as long since the last time I saw a decent-looking girl walking the halls of Garland High School, excluding Mrs. Zembower and Wolf Boy's girlfriend. By the way, I AM HAIRIER THAN WOLF BOY, for cryin out loud. Nobody calls me "Wolf Man and a Half." I'd like to start by reading some fanmail the CalebTheStud Journal received this week. I think you might find it interesting... "Dear Caleb The Stud, I really like you a lot. When you look into my eyes, it makes me melt. When I feel your rippling arms around me, I feel invincible. You are truly an amazing fellow." OK OK, let's stop right there. I was born at night, but not last night. I know who wrote this; it is the girl who caught rumor that I successfully pulled off a "Mona Lisa Dump." See 2/19 entry for details. Rumor has it there is now a girl on the Garland Varsity tennis team named "Oana." What the crap? There's also another rumor she frequently performs the "Chili Dump." Once again, see 2/19 entry. Our sister livejournal, HeyKidsItsClay, published something I would like to share. Clay writes, "And by "fooling" I mean Ashley Longoria gave me a "back massage"...and by "back" I mean my "fellas"...she gave my "fellas" a massage...and by "fellas" I mean, my feet. And by "feet" I mean...my balls." Man, Ashley and Blair are so good at those massages...there must be something about 5 foot munchkins. Until next time, good luck and keep a tight line. | | Thursday, May 29th, 2003 | | 9:05 am |
School's out
First off I would like to thank Ashley Longoria. It sure helps me through a long day of work at the Wet Zone when I can check out that broad in a bikini. On that note, happy birthday to Clay Kimrey. Last day of school was yesterday. Man, it feels weird that we're all going off to college now and most of us will never see each other again. But, I am looking forward to graduating on Saturday. I don't ever want to go through the doors of Garland High School again. I am glad that I don't have to do any more yearbook autograph sessions. Goodness gracious, I'm so sick of seeing girls flocking toward me. People think it's cool, but trust me, it gets old really quickly. Rumor has it, 4 Kings will be out on the prowl tomorrow night with 4 saucy babes. Get 'em tigers. lindz 2186: put something in your livejournal about your babe of a gf. Until next time, good luck, and keep a tight line. | | Tuesday, May 20th, 2003 | | 2:11 pm |
Survey
Many people do long, drawn-out surveys. Well, I took a few questions from one survey and chose to answer them. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Without thinking twice. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Crotch, yes, chest, no. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? N/A - I've never been in second place. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? The only thing I cheat on is girls. Who is your favorite superhero? Clay Kimrey. What causes do you support? Anti-gay, Anti-woman. Do you gamble? Incessantly, just let me know if you're interested. What was the last promise you broke? I promised Lindsey I think she's pretty. Quotation of the day comes from my brah, Clay Kimrey, "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this...girls aren't good at anything. This includes sports, brains, funniness, non-annoyingness, usefullness, etc." Happy Birthday Lee Finkbeiner. I'm sure you know how to celebrate. Until next time, good luck, and keep a tight line. | | Monday, May 12th, 2003 | | 4:19 pm |
Weekly Update
I know it's been a while, but I refuse to update with USELESS GARBAGE and pointless details about my life that nobody cares about. See "Lindsey" under my friends list for more information. By the way, how can that broad write volumes on Survivor and one line on Special K Caleb the stud? Seriously... My little cousin just left. I'm so proud of the tyke. See "The Mona Lisa Dump" from the 2/19 entry. Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet. Quotation of the day comes from Trent Roberts, "Hang on dude, my (CENSORED) are stuck together." Joke of the week (which I do not condone at all): What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Walking. I gotta run, I've gotta pee so badly my eyeballs are floating. Until next time, good luck, and keep a tight line. | | Tuesday, May 6th, 2003 | | 4:22 pm |
Stupid girl
It's Easter Sunday, Lindsey is over at my house and Mama Malone snaps a couple quick pics. Picture #1: I look good, she doesn't look so hot. Picture #2: She looks good, I don't look so hot. Which one does Lindsey post on her livejournal? Of course she did: #2!!! http://www.angelfire.com/pop2/lindsabinz/linds2.JPG There it is. Well, I have a pic of my own. In fact, I have a link to it. http://www.geocities.com/docfeelgood4444T-Bone (Trent Roberts) calls me "K-Dog" because "C-Dog" sounds gay. New nickname for CJM: Special K. Ok, Special K, T-Bone, Clay Kimrey, and this kid named Aaron are sitting at the table before school. The subject of bicycles comes up and I said to Aaron, who is 15 yrs old and all of 4 feet tall, "Do you know how to ride a bike?" He says, "Of course, everyone age 2 and up knows how to ride a bike." All eyes stare at Clay Kimrey... Quotation of the day comes from Daniel Lamb, as I walk into class. "Malone you've been getting more and more puny since you quit football, but not as puny as Lee Finkbeiner's ______." Until next time, good luck, and keep a tight line. | | Friday, April 25th, 2003 | | 7:57 am |
The Jerk Store
In regard to Justi Tunnell : I wish I had a buzzer for every time you're wrong. Oh yeah, The Jerk Store called, they're running out of you! Clay just got back from the bathroom. See "Empty-Roll Dump" from the 2/19 entry. Quotation of the day once again comes from Lee Finkbeiner (big surprise eh?) An announcement comes over the loud speaker talking about a summer camp for people that play the piano, a pianist. Fink turns to me and says, "Dude, I got a pianist." Thanks Lee, you'll receive a gift certificate to Home Depot so you can put a lock on your bedroom door and keep everybody from walking in on you and Messy Jessie! Stock Up/Stock Down Stock Up - Clay Kimrey, good work on the new broad. Stock Down - The poor middle-schoolers who lost $$$ to me and Trent Roberts playing pool at church last week. Chumps. Until next time, good luck, and keep a tight line. Current Mood:  quixoticCurrent Music: Andrea Boccelli - Mighty Sun | | Thursday, April 17th, 2003 | | 8:42 am |
I've got this friend...
I've got this friend. He wears a lot of button-up shirts, if only he had a button-up mouth. | | Monday, April 14th, 2003 | | 7:42 am |
Trading Spouses
I just saw some pictures of my Lindsey in 6th grade. That's one ignition I wouldn't put my key into! That's one mug I wouldn't like to chug! I want to invent a new tv show. It will be similar to "Trading Spaces" but I want this to by "Trading Spouses." Anyone up for it? Trent Roberts perhaps? Well well well, it looks like Clay has forced another broad to transfer to Dumpville: http://www.livejournal.com/users/heykidsitsclay/ . Good work Clay; Melanie, you're in good company, baby. There are many a girl in Dumpville and you're not the only damaged goods that can be found there. I'm sure some creative soul will come by that dump and find a use for a piece of scrap metal like you. I wish you the best. Quotation of the Day Source: Lee Finkbeiner The Zemmster (our English teacher) is speaking about a Vocabulary "Unit." Lee turns to me, nudges me, and says, "Dude, I got a unit." Thanks Lee for always giving me new material. I would like to dispel the rumor that I found and rescued the 7 POWs that were brought back to the great USA. I don't know who started that one. Until next time, good luck and keep a tight line. Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: John Mayer | | Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003 | | 2:56 am |
It's been a while...
I know it's been a while, but I'm not one of those people who makes an entry for the sake of updating. Nor am I one of those gaywads who posts a daily recap, a forward, or lyrics to a song. You people make me want to lay a dirty sanchez on your face. First off, I would like to accept my nomination to run for Vice-President of NHS. Trent Roberts will be my running mate as President. I dare anybody to run against us, but I'm not as naive as to believe some will try. There will be major mudslinging, and when it's all said and done, it will look like someone laid a dirty sanchez on your face. To those who thought they could hit on my Lindsey with no consequences, I say this to you: Messin' wit my girl is bad fo' yo health. To Clay Kimrey...Congrats on Melanie Roose. You know what they say, "The Roose is Loose!" Hopefully some day I can congratulate Adam Wood on his acquisition... There will be a Malone/Roberts HomeVideo watching party at my house soon. You know if you're invited. There is no truth to the rumor that Caleb and/or Trent is naked in this video. I don't know which girl needs to come back to earth, but she is now officially on probation in the Caleb Joshua Malone Official Fan Club. Props of the day: Kristi Watson, who is on a first-name basis with Kliff Kingsbury. Dean Malone, who argued in front of the Texas Supreme Court. Brian Walker, on dislocating his shoulder and getting a black eye when he tripped ice skating. Until next time, good luck and keep a tight line. | | Wednesday, March 26th, 2003 | | 3:47 am |
Steamed...
I'd like to commence this entry in response to Marcos Yturri's reply to my last entry. I don't know if you're smoking, or joking, but bro your mouth is writing checks your body can't cash. To use the words of the great George W. Bush (who has degrees from both Harvard and Yale), "I will find you, and you will be brought to justice." Speaking of "finding someone" if anybody has any information on a yellow 2002 mercury cougar with the license plate "LCW 04" please let me know. There is a reward for this "mystery girl." I would like to dispel the rumor that the "4 Kings" are down to 1 King...We will forever reign over Garland and Rowlett and the inhabitants that live therein. The Quotation of the day comes from the Hindu code of Manu which says, "In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth, to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation." Boys and girls, there is a method to my madness, and that method is the Hindu code of Manu. On that note, things with Lindsey are great. Leave tons of comments, I want some from different codes, area codes, AREA CODES, area codes... Until next time, good luck, and keep a tight line. |
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